I laid in my bed with tears rolling down my face. I didn’t understand why at this moment I was being stabbed, like a knife, with a paralyzing fear of loss. It gripped me unlike any other moment I had ever experienced.
I just had my alone time, winding down time really, and had quietly got into bed, sure not to wake my already sleeping husband. I got under the covers and laid my head on my tempurpedic pillow, it’s totally awesome, and it was immediate; what if something terrible happens to my son when he is on his kids hike this Saturday? Every scenario ran through my head. We live in Alaska. A hike in the wilderness is not just like any other hike. Bears. Moose, even worse. Falling down whatever mountain or steep trail they intend to climb. Getting separated from the group because he needed to tie his shoe or just got a little tired and wanted to rest. Every single scenario.
I am not usually a woman that is gripped by fear, but my biggest is that I lose one of my children in death in some tragic way; I guess there is nothing but tragedy in the loss of a child. As the tears loped down my cheeks I cried out in silent prayer, “Lord, please keep my children safe. Keep them healthy and thank you for loaning them to me while on this earth.” I had no good words. Just simple, plain words that I knew anyone who would hear them would understand my mother’s heart. (As you can see in the picture my little man had a GREAT time and made it home safe.)
God never intended for us to be fearful of this world. In Isaiah 41:10 is says, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” (NIV). God promises in this very verse to never leave us and to always be with us. He is our strength when we are weak (Isaiah 12:2). I was weak in that moment last night. As soon as I prayed and handed over my fear of losing my son to God, my body and mind calmed and I drifted off to sleep. I slept well and woke earlier than normal feeling rejuvenated and ready for a new day. Not always does it happen that way, but God knew that I just needed a little more of him last night in my failing humanity.
Lord, I hand my fears to you and trust your perfect plan and path for my life. My children and husband are not mine. They belong to you. You have graciously loaned them to me while I live on this earth. I trust the plan you have for their lives with my whole heart. Remind me of Isaiah 12:2 when I start to feel afraid, “Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.” In Jesus’ name, amen.